Mother

Frail and thin, the muscles wasted away. A body, worn out from caring- from fuelling the lives that had always mattered much more than her own life.

I saw the flutter of veins on her neck, beneath the skin that was now papery thin. That flutter was life. The life from which I was born. The first life I had known. Before even coming out into the world.

For a moment, I thought about life without her. I couldn’t imagine a life without her. It was then I realized I could not think of her life as distinct from mine. Despite the cord having been severed, I could never think of my life as anything but an extension of hers.

Mother. She will be the one truth in our lives. The biggest truth. And yet, we will have to part with her. That too, is a truth.

Mother. Frail and thin, but infinitely larger than all the words I could find in this mortal life.

What is empowerment?

One of my students put up a post on her wall, applauding the example set by two district collectors, Anupama and Vasuki, in the wake of the Kerala floods. Her message was simple- embrace such role models in the context of woman empowerment. Here were women who acted in true adversity and demonstrated their courage and potential in the setting of life, unlike the numerous women who see their empowerment in a lifestyle.

The post was met with much criticism. While my student’s point was that clothes or the external facets of life are not a measure of empowerment, the responses were on a defensive and derogatory note.

Especially noteworthy was the reaction from a lady who argued that empowerment meant different things to different people. For a sixteen-year old not allowed to wear the clothes she would like to wear, such freedom would be empowerment for her. For a woman labeled by society as characterless because she drinks or smokes, the freedom to do so would be empowerment for her.

This point was interesting to me. I thought back to the life I had led in Bangalore for 26 years of my life. Growing up in a broad minded family and a broad minded society, I had never really thought about freedom or empowerment. Though my parents did impose restrictions on their own terms, I never had to compromise on something that was fundamental to my personality. At all the times I stepped out of the lines they drew, I had to be convincing enough. That was all. If I could convince them on why something was important to me, it was fine.

And then, I landed in Kerala. And faced the horrors of life in a conservative society that had sharp definitions for gender roles. To be honest, I never really came to terms with this equation. To this day, I am pained by the fact that whenever I step out- for the most necessary and benign reasons, in the most conservative attire, without intruding into anybody’s personal space, I still have to put up with the millions of stares, taunts and eve-teasing that are taken for granted in these parts of the world. I don’t like the nervous flutter of my heart at such times. Of course, this is the least of the problems a woman encounters in Kerala.

But what made me go on for ten long years? How did I survive here? Well, I looked at other women. I met hundreds of women, especially from the lower socioeconomic strata, whose suffering made me feel small and insignificant. They were battling with the most unfathomable circumstances, and I felt terribly guilty. While the men in their households drunk and gambled away, these women battled with poverty, with illness, with physical and mental abuse, on a daily basis. Just so they could make ends meet and feed their children. Or educate their children. In their suffering, I saw glimpses of raw, naked life- the kind of life I was not exposed to. And then I learnt the most important lesson- courage was less about being loud or outspoken or rebellious. It was more about outliving the tragedies in life.

The exposure to this aspect of life was an important turning point in my life. I realized that my empowerment was in easing the suffering of these women, in whatever little ways I could. Because what is individual empowerment, without collective empowerment?

I have a diverse group of friends. Some of my closest friends are very liberal in their dressing. They drink. However, they make no noise about it. They have never felt empowered just because they have this kind of freedom in terms of lifestyle. I have friends who come from the most conservative backgrounds, but who have battled with this conservatism in their minds and set themselves free in their minds. You will see them in the most conservative of garbs, but their perspectives and actions reveal the liberalism and the broad horizons of their minds.

In my initial years in Kerala, my reactions to all forms of oppression, however minor, were always in the form of aggression and rebellion. But it did not achieve anything. It only left me feeling more wounded and battered. However, over the years, I learnt more mature ways to respond constructively. I realized that one didn’t have to fight back all the time- one must know which are the fights worth choosing.

In an era where lifestyle is idolized, it is natural for many young kids to see their liberation and empowerment in the more superficial aspects of life- why can’t we wear what we want to wear? Why can’t we drink? Why can’t we smoke? Well, we can do all of that, but hopefully, those are not our ultimate goals in life. Hopefully, those are not our definitions of empowerment.

A lifestyle is a private aspect of our lives that doesn’t necessarily need to be flaunted and aired. Life is much more than a lifestyle, and I hope we realize this.

We need to set better examples for the younger generation to follow in our footsteps. And those examples must be to do with life, and not with lifestyles.