The Return to Myself

The 22nd of March. My birthday. I am 45 today. A birthday at this age is a private event. It is a day when you create a space within yourself- to have an honest conversation with yourself. You dwell on your relationship with yourself- on how this relationship has changed over the years.

My relationship with myself has changed considerably over the years. I once lived a life where my physical reality was a happy place, but my internal reality was clouded with feelings of worthlessness and inferiority. In those days, I depended on my physical reality to feel happy. I thrived on the affection showered by my family, friends, and teachers. I thrived on the happiness ingredients of my external world which were plentiful- adventure, fun, companionship, appreciation, and achievement. However, I was not ready to face myself. On the days when I was home and did not step out, I felt lonely and frightened as I faced my own darkness. Then there came a time when my physical reality turned dark. The happiness ingredients vanished, and were replaced by struggle and suffering. Ironically, it was in this darkness that I discovered the light within. Something of my spirit shined through this darkness. Life held up a mirror for me to look into, and in that mirror, I saw my love for learning; my love for humanity; my persistence and perseverance for the causes I cared about; my honesty and truth; my humility and my ability to accept my imperfections; my courage and resilience. Of course, I would have been lost without the right resources to lead me- the books I read, the movies I watched, and the people I modeled.

Every journey of suffering eventually led me to myself; I was beginning to love the person that was the real me. Until that point, I had been a drop in the ocean, unaware of the ocean of which I was a part. But my life experiences helped me connect with the larger consciousness of which I was a part. This changed my perception of myself. When you perceive yourself as an isolated drop that is not connected to the ocean, you feel your weakness because your identity is limited and narrow. But when you perceive yourself as a drop belonging to the ocean, you feel your strength because your identity is now broad. When I learnt to identify with the larger consciousness, my identity expanded. This larger consciousness had infinite reserves of wisdom, and it instilled in me a powerful sense of purpose. I learnt to depend on it to live my life. My relationship with myself changed. I loved being me because my mind was always educating me and unveiling the miracles in life. My mind became a very interesting place, and I was never bored.

But this birthday, there is a desire of which I recently became aware- the desire to go back to the sociocultural context that I am familiar with. The desire to go back to urban life. In my life in Kerala, the drop that is me, has ceased to exist. Only the ocean exists. I am always in self-transcendence mode because that is the only way you can survive here. I can afford to be the drop with nature, but not with people. In my relationship with the people here, I have to always be the ocean. I can never lean on them; I will always have to let them lean on me. I have to prepare myself for the fact that people will not acknowledge my needs, simply because they themselves are so needy. I have never met a population that operates out of unfulfilled psychological needs, as much as the people of contemporary Kerala. Most people that I meet, are looking for validation. In conversations, the need for validation dominates to the point that the responses are often misplaced. I think I am so exhausted from always being the ocean that I look forward to moving out of this state. Sometimes, I have to try hard to recall the life that I once lived; my past is completely disconnected from the life I have lived in Kerala. I feel the desire to go back to the world where I am showered with affection, where the climate is milder, and where I can afford to be a child looking for some adventure, fun and companionship. I also miss the professional world and the intellectual climate where authentic work has some value. Coincidentally, I spoke to my old friends today. Whenever I connect with people from my old life, I cry because it reminds me of all that I miss. So I am spreading my wings and preparing for the next leg of my journey, which I hope is not too far away.